3 Kings Anthology: This is one of my submissions for "The Call" TransMen of Color, VolumeII TransMen of Two-Spirit, Latino, Chicano and all Spanish Speaking Decent.
Most of my life I have lived in the shadows of Anna; and the darkness of those shadows held my spirit imprisoned and immobilzed. Keeping the cups of creavitiy "half full," attributes not fully intoxicated with ambition and skill.
Those golden chalices that held the very essence of my self; love, happiness, mystery and imagination. Lost was the impetuous drive of a winner; left was the spirit of a half-hearted challenger.
I'm reminded of Marlon Brando in the movie "On The Waterfront." A dockworker and promising boxer quoting, "I coulda been a contender..." "I coulda been somebody."
Yes..missed opportunities that I should have capitalized on, if I only could have fully expressed my true being. But I did nothing except stayed silent for many years masked, in fear for my reputation, and of my loved ones. Like most of my transgender family I continued to conform to the hypocrites of society. Tyrants who try to break off chunks of our souls with their money and propaganda.
And yet I the underdog, still shadow boxing Anna.
Of all the people I had ever battled and in return had waged war against me, my one true opponent was the nemesis of my female self. So how could I ever defeat her???
Metaphorically speaking, she knew every jab, cross, hook, slipped punches and uppercuts. The strengths and weakness of my mind, body and soul. In reality the choices I made I did not make for myself but for others. And for what??? For society? For survival? For fear?
So I lived a facade, a pretense to whom I was until...
Until a year ago I meant someone who like the 'Hermit' in the tarot shared her wisdom and illuminated my quest, my journey. An artist/activist, Sabrina Zarco, who put her brush onto my canvas, enlightening my dreams with her knowledge, and helped me paint a portrait of "transition."
Who encouraged me to move on to something higher and meaningful. "To thine own self be true Lucas James..." she would remind me. So finally I wriggled free from that shadowy game that I had been attached to long after it lost its power over me.
We are all given paths, choices and with those we make our own fate. A tapestry of destiny, woven with The Creator all around and entwined.
I mourn for the transgender martyrs who made that brave choice before me and lost their lives not in vain, but to ignorant people intolerant of life and who destroy it so senselessly.
With my words and actions I honor these noble warriors of bravery, conquest and the choice they made; "To thine own self be true."
"As above what is above,
so below.
So it is, so it shall be."
~LJLS
.
