Some men live their lives blessed, others beneath a curse and mine much like yours is one to tell.
Some men do change...
My brothers Chicano, White, Mexicano, African, Asian, & Native American; All my transbrothers hear me and believe. I stand here on this good red road "unafraid." I stand here without fear because I remember that I am here not because of the path that lies before me, but because of the path that lies behind me. I ask myself: "What must I allow to die today in order to generate more life tomorrow?"
We have two paths two choices as I have seen it. The path that lies behind, a tumultuous obsession, a compulsive tormented hunt like Captain Ahab's pursuit of Moby Dick.
Or the path that lies before... a graceful chase that beckons of Sir Galahad's, pure-hearted search for the Holy Grail. We must choose---Will it be beastly, impossible, and continued frustration? Or will it be magical, absolute and transformative? The Whale or The Holy Grail? Both paths will help us see our way, but only one quest, one quarry will make make us men: True men, TransMen.
I am Lucas James Lucius Salazar born in a female body, existed male spiritually, always male, and that is how my quest started in a small city in Michigan. For too many years I lived in a female body and for too many years I lived angry, confused, and full of doubts.
Unrelentless anger, unrelentless doubts and unrelentless dresses, curlers, beehive hairdos, pink anklet socks and black patten leather shoes. Oh god..."What EVIL" could this be and why had it befallen on me???
The early years my brothers as you know yourselves were agonizing and embarrassing as I was forced to conform to societies idealism of the perfect male/female model. Ms. America, Barbie, proms, my mother and the Catholic Church were vampires sucking my red blood cells of masculus.
I was besides myself trapped in a girl's body and trapped in a world that perceived me as a "girl" and one day would perceive me as a "woman." A woman having periods, kissing boys, getting married and having babies. Oh my god---What "HELLLLL" could this possibly be and why, why, why, am I in it???
Hell it was for the majority of my life and I was convinced my mother had to be the "devil." Verification came the day she bought me a bra and "kotex napkins, AND brought them to me with a "smile." I stood there with a mixed expression of confusion and fear. I shook my head and thought, "Was this some mother-daughter rite?" I wanted to die and I did not care how.
One day in my early years in Jr. High School, 1968, the "devil" tryed to trick me into carrying a purse. My cousin Charlie whom I played with as a child mocked me everyday at school. I was appalled! I was pissed and I had HAD IT! When I got out of school, went home I threw the purse wildly at the wall and said to my mother, "Never again!!!!!!"... And I never did!
It was humiliating enough wearing dresses/skirts, as it was school code, but to be ridiculed by the very boys I played guns, baseball, beat up and raided cherry trees with... was another!
Laughing at me because I was carrying a "purse..." an oddity for them to see as well as myself when I looked in the mirror.
This castrating of my soul was unbearable and I thought, "Why GOD???..." "Why did I have to have this body? "What POSSIBLE lesson was there to be learned or gained from it, if I despised it so much?"
When I looked in the mirror I saw a male, a boy, a man. When others saw my reflection,( with the exception of my grandmother), they seen a female, a girl, a woman. Why was their image of me so distorted and colorblind?
"Save me from this prison, Lord help me get away!" "How far is Heaven???"
And where is my real body??? This has to be a nightmare. Had I fallen into 'Alice's rabbit hole' so deep, so dark and bewildering? Would I ever find my way out???
Or was this Dorothy's violent whirl-wind twister that I was caught in and thrown beyond Oz. Even so, if my only way out was to put on the "Red Ruby Shoes", "Forget it!!! "I'll be damned!!" "Not even in my dreams!" I'll find another way back, another wizard and eventually I did. I found my wizard not in Kansas, but in Arkansas.
"Sabrina" was to be her name. A beautiful, talented Chicana artist/activist who put her brush onto my canvas enlightening my dreams with her knowledge, and helped me paint a portrait of "Transition."
A rare gem who shared her wisdom and illuminated my quest, my journey. "To thine own self be true Lucas James," she would remind me.
And so with her Aries fire she showed me how to bend the space-time continuum back to the point before my detour, my birth defect.
Sabrina armed me with knowledge so I could fight the once impossible calamitous fight and showed me how to navigate now, and for the rest of my life as a "visible man.
" No more illusions nor misunderstandings..the lesions are gone from my soul. No more invisible snakes, pretend ghosts or illusory dragons. Now and for the first time in my life, not only do I feel the warmth of the sun on the outside of my body, but on the inside as well.
I am 100% more energetic and starting to feel so confident, so masculine, so me. This magic has me wild and disciplined at the same time.
Only two people seen me, Lucas for whom I truly was. My grandmother who never questioned me just dressed me as I wanted. And Sabrina who never questioned me just loved me as the man that I always was.
And...we fell in love, true love, " if for one brief shinning moment."
" I pray and thank the only GOD I have ever known and believe the only one to BE for this new beginning, new journey. I am also very grateful for GOD putting Sabrina in my path, if yet only, "for one brief shinning moment." A Camelot now and forever in this King's heart.
I would also like to thank Maria Richmond, for her long time true love, support and making this journey financially possible.
Thank you GOD for her and presence in my life... a friend, and partner for 29 years now.
I am here, where I was meant to be because I was finally willing to take that first step that began my journey of a million miles.
And with encouragement from Sabrina to 'take that simple leap of faith', I discovered the true meaning and purpose in my life that had been eluding me, from being a true contender.
And...I would also like to thank Toni C., for her part in helping my transition come to a full complete unbreakable circle.
Now, I am free, I am me. I am Lucas James Lucius Salazar. A man. A true man. A TransMan, "Unafraid on this good red road." VAMONOS!!!
~LJS
"The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Other wise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them."
~Thomas Morton
Me in the dress with a friend.
ME!!!
The guy in the black cap.
FINALLY!!!
**Although I wrote this awhile ago when I first began my transition, the time is here and it is, done.
