"I dreamed a dream..."

When I woke this morning I sat up in bed very content, although yet, a little confused. Satisfied in the sense that I made peace with my inner child, freedom at last for both of us.

Perplexed because at the end of my dream it almost seemed to be end of my life, but why now--Just as I'm getting started.

My dream: I Lucas was at grandmother's house, my safety zone.. my sanctuary.
It was a warm summer day. Bright, very bright, almost too bright, as I could see this walking through the home of my childhood.
There were many people; family & friends, children, and festivities inside and outside.

Children of all ages running & laughing, chasing one another. One child in particular caught my attention so I started to walk up to this child. As I got closer I could see the child was a little girl no older than 2 years.

She was wearing a lite-green toddler dress with toddler shoes, that were white. The kind little children wear when first learning to walk.
When I got closer, I touched her shoulder and she turned around to look up at me. I was stunned-- The CHILD "WAS" ME!!!

I knelt there in amused awe, face to face, with this beloved child and reached out my arms to her.

She came, and walked into my new strong, masculine chest. It felt so right to hold her there and I felt now, I could protect her heart.. keep it safe.

No more monsters..no more illusions, the fear of anger, and abandonment, lifted.

I cried and cried releasing tears of love and its power, for our bond we both sensed, finally healed.

At that moment all shame, regrets, emotional wounds could not compare to the serene tranquillity of that quite time.

We penetrated our being with infinite light of peace. Freedom from the patterns of self-loathing for a body not wanted.

When we came apart, she with her wondrous soft smile, touched my face, my beard, with her small hand; with the other, she gave me a blue carnation.

I stood up...looked down at this "precious, precious child" and said, "Thank you..thank you. Thank you for this, and for waiting for me." Now go run with the others, it's okay, you can go without me.

She laugh and looked back to me one more time. I touched my beard, my chest..we both smiled simultaneously.

I then watched her run to be with the other children, playful and full of joy as "HE" should be. I looked at the flower thinking: "This is a symbol of rebirth.. this will regenerate new life for me."

I turned my attention back to the festivities; a welcomed environment with food, tubs of beer, pops, curiosity and the past in my family and friends smiles.

A time of happiness, full of plenty and it reminded me of the backyard parties we used to have at grandmother's and my cousin Junie's, the next door neighbor.

Truly a season of pleasures, precious moments that would exist in my mind forever, and have to this day. I cant forget..my happiness lives there too.

I walked further out to the the back. Everyone there; people from my past and present, some from the dead.

One of my dear cousins who is still alive, walk up to me, then kissed me on my neck and whispered, "Be happy."

Immediately the smell of crayons filled my senses and the colors of good feelings, of nostalgia, that warmed and wrapped my soul, like a big tortilla full of melted butter!
The kind grandmother used to make every morning.

The smell of crayons would bring back the sensations of grandmother, elementary school, 'King' my cousins collie that used to keep me company when the others went to pick, top carrots, and onions in the migrant fields.

And they especially brought comfort; when I felt disappointment or unloved from the woman I longed for approval so many, many times.

"Jr.," is my Tia Santos oldest son; grandmother & I used to take trips to their home to "get away from the city, Jr., or Ezekiel, would be the big brother to me.

He taught me to color-- how to appreciate color at a very young age. "Look, look, look, watch me," he would say.

He would color in circles, never going out of the lines and his pictures were like paintings deserving to be hung on the wall. Anyways that's how I perceived it at age 7. "

Suddenly, he left as quick as he came up, so I continued to head towards the back and saw my precious grandmother. She looked great! The age I saw her as in my dream was probably around 60.

As I approached her, I seen that she was standing near a small cube size refrigerator that was sitting on a picnic table.

When I got closer she opened the small frig from the top which I thought was unusual. As I looked, and examined the contents I saw that it was filled with big ice trays

The "ice balls" were not that of clear frozen water but what looked to be of a dark, deep red and grayish substance.

I asked grandmother 'what it was', she answered: "Its cancer and its yours." "Your past is linked to your future."

I was taken back by her remark only thinking of the worst---Do I have cancer???

In my dream I could sense a feeling of dread because, "How can I have this NOW that I have come to terms with my life, wanting to LIVE it to its fullest."

Then without warning I heard the wind begin to blow..around the trees, through the grass..about me. It seemed as though the movement of time shifted, and I woke up.

I sat up in bed thinking of this wondrous dream but yet with a strange, bleak ending.

Was it an omen? Or just my subconscious worried, spilling into my dreams about a recurring health problem?

So I thought out this dream wondering if it was a cosmic message, good/dire...or maybe the entire dream was not a warning.

Maybe, a final ending to the "cancer" the pent-up rage, emotional anger inside me. Hate for myself, my body before my surgery.

Coming to terms with my inner child, has given me renewed strength. My true spirit now released from these "cancer cubes" destroyed.. frozen..grandmother would see to that.
This invader, this malignant disease of self-destruction that grew and then I allowed to grow uncontrollably to hurt me, corrode me; others, my creativity, my future.

Maybe my grandmother was showing me metaphorically what it looked like and how similar to cancer, could "kill" the very life force if allowed.

When grandmother said that "my past was linked to my future" I realized she was speaking of death and rebirth.

This Dream..its symbolism, inner secrets, I pray will give insight to my spirit, illuminate my journey further.

No matter what struggles, I must maintain control of myself, and the direction of my own vehicle.

We are all given paths, choices and with those we make our own fate. A tapestry of destiny woven with The Creator all around and entwined.


"Dreams are today's answers to tomorrow's questions."~Edgar Cayce
"It is the place in the mind where the artist goes to meditate before putting the brush to canvas."~Revelation 4:7


~LJS

** I mentioned that I thought my dream had to do with an recurring health issue I am dealing with. I am optimistic all will go well.